President-elect Donald Trump has announced his intention to appoint Wile E. Coyote his Director of the Bureau of Roadrunner Affairs.
“He’s smart,” Trump said of his nominee, “So very smart, you wouldn’t believe. And very, very persistent. Everyone says he’s so persistent, you wouldn’t believe.”
Citing the importance of the position, Trump described roadrunners as “bad, very bad. Everyone knows how bad they are. They run all over the place, causing accidents. Thousands of people have died in accidents caused by roadrunners. Tens of thousands, actually.”
The President-elect expressed confidence in his choice: “There’s nobody better than Coyote for the job. He’ll capture these filthy, criminal roadrunners and deport them. That’s right, send ‘em back where they came from. And they’ll be the lucky ones.”
In response, the most famous roadrunner of them all, The Road Runner, was speechless, unable to manage even a “beep-beep”. Or a “meep-meep”.
A spokesperson for the Roadrunner community, who spoke anonymously for fear of retribution, had this to say: “Roadrunner Nation is fearful and stunned by the callousness of this appointment. Indeed, the only solace they have is in Wile E. Coyote’s lengthy record of unmatched incompetence. His decades of abject failure attempting to inflict lethal harm would be amusing if it weren’t so serious. Handing over the power of the federal government to such an individual is terrifying.”
A Republican senator, also speaking anonymously out of abject fear, said, “He nominated who, for what? Uh, OK, sure…yeah, I’ll get behind that. Whatever.”
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In a more straightforward vein – and, 64 days before inauguration, it’s already nearly impossible to write satire more ridiculous than what’s actually happening – RIP to national musical treasures, who were not cheated in the time they had on the planet:
Drum master Roy Haynes, 99, who played with everyone who mattered for a reason
Alto saxophonist Lou Donaldson, 98, whose bluesy, sassy approach helped shape the hard bop offshoot of bebop
Singer, composer, folklorist Ella Jenkins, 100, who brought the magic of call-and-response, among other essentials, to all, but especially to children.
We lost all three in the last eight days, as well as Quincy Jones at 91 on November 3 and tenor saxophonist and composer Benny Golson at 95 on September 21. Thank goodness we had them so long.
Ken Bossong
© 2024 Kenneth J. Bossong